Motherhood as an Olympic Sport

Notes on Love & Laundry

New Olympic Events at the Paris Olympics

"Three sports that debuted at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics -- sport climbing, skateboarding and surfing -- will be a part of the Paris Olympics, and one news sport that will debut, breaking, the street style of dance that originated in the U.S."

-Article from NBC Olympics.com

As we all know, the summer Olympics are coming up and I am once again disappointed that activities at which I and so many mothers excel are not included in this year's games.

To ensure that the Olympics truly reflect the amazing talents of all Americans, and not just people who, you know, run really fast, I humbly submit the following games for consideration in the 2024 Paris Olympics.

The Unfriendly Skies

A mother with a stroller, an infant, and a toddler, must get through a TSA security check point at O'Hare International Airport at Thanksgiving in less than five minutes without losing Pee Pee, the beloved stuffed animal without which one child cannot sleep, and Pa Pa, the special blue magical talisman pacifier without which her other child will scream all day. Due to the bottles of liquid infant formula in her diaper bag, this mother will be pulled out of line for a "special security screening," by a surly TSA agent who has obviously never had children. Judges remove points if the mother curses under her breath, angers the impatient business travelers in line behind her, or if her children emerge from the security checkpoint missing one, or both, shoes. 

Clean or Not Clean

Using only her sense of smell, a mother must determine if the shirt on the floor is really dirty, or if a child simply threw it on the floor after wearing it to church because that was easier than hanging it up.

Save the Dog

In this Olympic Challenge, 100 toddlers are given a family-sized package of M&M's. When the whistle blows, these toddlers spill the M&M's across a vast hardwood floor. Five seconds later, a pack of exuberant, and completely untrained Golden Doodle puppies are released on the other side of the room.

A mother, using only speed and her bare hands, must pick up every M&M on the floor before the Golden Doodles eat the chocolate and perish, thus traumatizing the toddlers and everyone one else in the family for years to come.

Missing

A group of vital, but forgotten articles are left on the kitchen table after the children go to school: A lunch box, a water bottle, and a poster board with cotton balls glued to it, demonstrating cirrus, cumulus, stratus, and nimbus clouds, which is worth half the child's Social Studies grade. The mother who successfully resists the urge to drop whatever she is doing and bring the forgotten items to school wins the gold.

Errand Dash

It's 8:34 on a Sunday night. Michael's closes at 9 p.m. Your child has just informed you that they need a tri-fold panel and Styrofoam balls in a variety of sizes, plus spray paint in six different colors, to create Our Universe, A Place of Galactic Majesty, by 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

The mother who arrives at Michael's before it closes and finds Saturn, Uranus, Venus, and Pluto wins the medal and a lucrative endorsement deal with the people who manufacture Honda Odyssey minivans.

In conclusion, I humbly urge the International Olympic Committee to consider these events for the 2024 Olympics, ensuring that future games are inclusive and welcoming to those of us who, due to our lack of hand-eye coordination and aversion to exercise, do not meet the current, unnecessarily narrow definition of "athlete."

On that note, I leave you today with a largely rhetorical question:

Why does society honor the ability to throw a javelin, but does not celebrate the patience necessary to soothe a screaming child, the stamina to make dinner over and over again for people who often choose not to eat it, the wisdom to deal lovingly with teenagers, the organizational skills required to run a household with multiple people living in it, and the emotional capacity to unconditionally love people who never, ever pick up their dirty socks?

Here's to a utopian future where Mothers have endorsement deals with Nike. We Just Do It, every single day, and that's what makes us heroes.

Book News

While my chances of appearing in a Nike commercial are admittedly slim, I think I have a shot at an endorsement deal with Gorilla Glue because look what I made with my hot glue gun:

My publisher sent me a box of Advance Reader Copies (ARCs) a few months ago. I signed them, and over the last couple weeks I wrapped them in blue paper and decorated them with orange and blue ribbon to match the colors on the cover. Did I go a little overboard? Possibly.

My daughter and I hauled the packages to the post office and sent them off to Bookstagrammers all across the country, including one in Fargo!

Thank you again so much for reading Notes on Love and Laundry. I hope you're having a wonderful summer. I'll be reaching out very soon with some fantastic news I've been waiting MONTHS to share.

With Love from one Elite Olympic Athlete to Another,

Christine